Apple needs Steve! The world needs Steve! Steve Jobs says he’s a little bit sick, but technology can keep him going for longer, just like Steven Hawking.
Here’s how Steve Jobs can ensure he lives to be 100 – or more – thanks to the modern technology he loves and has helped shape, guaranteeing peace of mind for all Apple fans and the company’s panicking shareholders.
1. PORTABLE DEFIBRILLATOR
The worst case scenario can be averted. Steve needs to employ a nurse to be with him at all times, ready to pounce with the Philips HeartStart Home Defibrillator should he collapse while ordering the Coffeee of the Day from the local Starbucks. Pay her minimum wage and you’ve got 24-hour-a-day Steve reassurance for less than 20k a year.
2. BLOOD PRESSURE MONITOR
A cheap, standard high street blood pressure monitor would reassure us all of Steve’s health. An Apple engineer could add a wi-fi adaptor and have it feed data to the Apple web site, letting the world see a reassuring count of Steve’s current blood pressure in real time.
3. SHOEI X-SPIRIT CRASH HELMET
If Steve was to fall over and bump his head, the results for Apple, its shareholders and fans would be devastating. We therefore propose that Steve encases his precious brain in a Shoei X-Spirit Helmet, the finest cranium-padding money can buy. You can’t put a price on Steve’s brain stem and frontal lobe! The matte black will also match his outfits.
Credit crisis, financial disaster and aura of commercial misery everywhere you look? What credit crisis, financial disaster and aura of commercial misery everywhere you look?
That’s what Microsoft UK will be thinking at this very moment, having sold “almost double” the number of Xbox 360s in the UK over the Christmas period compared to Chrimbo 2007, thanks to the price cuts and its zany new casual interface for girls/children/the elderly…
The UK’s warship fleet is getting itself an update, with versions of worst-windows-ever Windows 2000 and best-windows-ever XP rolling out across the fleet.
First to replace its ageing custom software with the “new” Windows operating systems is the HMS Montrose, which will soon enter a refitting phase where its old kit will be replaced by standard PCs.
The Type 23 frigates, which make up the bulk of our sea-faring death machines, are expected to gradually switch over to Windows machines as and when they’re due for a servicing, and, as ever, it’s all about reducing costs. Navy man Commodore Graham Peach said the Windows-based warships “will enable us to provide…
London’s Metropolitan Police Service has thought up a great way to spend a bit more money – advertising for super-grasses via Google’s ubiquitous Adsense text ad system.
The advert, spotted by a blogger and pictured to the left there, encourages web browsers to report any “Right Wing Extremists” they know to the authorities, while clicking on the ad’s text link takes you to the Met’s anti-terror home page, where you’re advised in a bit more detail what to do if you think your mate is running a bomb factory out of his studio flat in New Cross. Here’s how The Met says you can spot a terrorist…
As the lights go out tonight on 2008, we thought we’d reflect back in the year just gone, and pick a few gadgets that we absolutely, positively, couldn’t live without this year. I’ve contributed a couple, and I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say it was tough to narrow the list down.
I could have nominated my brilliant Acer Aspire One netbook. I could have nominated my beloved Zune 30 MP3 player (and very nearly did). I probably should at least mention my Victorinox WT messenger bag that goes almost everywhere that I do. However, none of those approach the love that I have for the gadgets that made the list.
See those gadgets, and Dan and Gary’s choices, too, by clicking on my beloved N95 below.
Who says we’re not in touch with women’s issues here on Tech Digest?
Over 80,000 users have joined a Facebook group called “Hey Facebook, Breastfeeding is not Obscene,” after the site started deleting innocent photos of women breastfeeding their newly hatched, soft-headed, screaming, purple-faced spawn. Here’s how Facebook defines an offensive nipple photo…
“Photos containing a fully exposed breast – as defined by showing the nipple or areola – do violate those terms on obscene, pornographic or sexually explicit material and may be removed”…
If you haven’t already had ENOUGH of BLOODY WINDOWS after having Vista forced down your throat and onto your hard drive, you may now start worrying about driver incompatibilities anew – Windows 7 has been leaked.
The Beta 1 build of the next MS OS, which has been reviewed very favourably by a man here and is scheduled for a much wider beta test early next year – has popped up on Bittorrent for downloading. A good 20,000 or so users are currently nicking Windows 7 off Mininova, with a similar number taking it just because it’s there and is a nice thing to have from The Bay.
Those links are for information purposes only, by the way…
Apple’s 12 Days of Christmas campaign is eating away at 2008’s profitability figures by giving away one free iTunes download a day between December 26 and January 6th.
The songs and TV shows, some of which may be by people you’ve even heard of and are interested in, will pop up on the site each day, along with some interesting facts about the material in question, which may come in handy if you’re planning on attending a Christmas pub quiz.
You don’t get a choice. Today’s is ‘Video EP’ by Jason Mraz.
The idea is no doubt meant to promote edgy new artists you otherwise wouldn’t bother listening to on the radio for free…
Christmas greetings to one and all! You’re probably all a bit financially ruined from spending so much money on Christmas food and presents right now, even with Woolworths virtually giving away all of its stock – and I’m here to help!
Christmas Day is one of the most energy-intensive days of the year, what with demand for power from cooking equipment, entertaining the family and the like, so here are a few tips on how to have an efficient Christmas. You can have a happy holiday AND save energy while doing so…
And my energy saving tip for New Year’s Eve? Drink a small bottle of vodka at home…
So, go on then, guess how a mobile phone app can tell if you’re driving or not? Speed of texting? Pauses while texting? More errors than usual? Drastic directional adjustments detected by the iPhone’s accelerometer as you hastily steer away from the bus stop, off the pavement and back onto the road?
Nope – Texecution uses GPS to locate the position of your phone, and therefore you, deactivating the phone’s SMS features when you seem to be moving at more than 10mph.
There is, of course, an override function for when you’re a passenger, on buses and trains, or running really fast…