Top five crap Valentine’s Day colourways/products to get your loved loathed one tomorrow

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This happens but once a year, where companies feel compelled to spray-paint their products an embarrassing shade of red or pink in the hopes some daft fool will be forced to buy it at 5.42pm on the 14th of February, because Godiva and Charbonnel et Walker have run out of chocolates.

Here’s my top five pick of what not to buy someone for Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Not a single one. No-one. Just don’t do it. Get them some tins of Green Giant niblets instead.

1.) Sony VAIO CR notebook –
an expensive present for your loved one, this red-painted laptop will set you back $1,000, however you can be safe in the knowledge your partner will slap you for insulting him/her with a red matching cover and heart-shaped key chain. What? You think they actually like Sony VAIOs?!

2.) Microsoft Zune MP3 player – don’t all rush at the limited edition red 80GB versions, as Microsoft has already stated they won’t be able to ship the models before the 14th.

3.) Apple iPod Nano yes, it’s pink, and yes, it only came out last month so is still relatively ‘new’ enough that you’ll only receive seven lashes instead of the usual eight for being such a moron and forgetting they’re actually Microsoft fanboys/girls.

4.) BlackBerry Pearl – expect a complete Naomi Campbell diva strop flip-out if you present your partner with a pink model tomorrow, and to spend most of the night in A&E with serious head injuries. “You dolt, I wanted the blue shade!” *whack*

5.) Heart shaped mouseone way to show you really don’t have good listening skills, as he actually asked for a copy of Nirvana’s Heart Shaped Box single. You dolt, you just spent 25 quid on a red mouse no-one but Paris Hilton would like!

Katherine Hannaford