If the word on the street is correct, you left rehab on the weekend after two months of detoxing and
avoiding your court order of one day in jail taking care of your mind, body and soul. Now, we’ve seen how easy it is to fall off the wagon once you leave rehab (Britney Spears, Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse can surely attest to that), so it’s more important than ever to ensure you look after yourself, Lilo. That means no hard partying with Paris and Nicole, no more dangerous older men (unless you can snag Johnny Depp and pimp him to me occasionally), and please god, no more firecrotch flashes. I don’t think my stomach can cope with that anymore!
Surely you know how to use a mouse, so just click on the button below, saying ‘Continue reading’, otherwise get your assistant to do it for you, and read my top five gadgets for keeping healthy now you’re out of rehab. It’s for your own good Lindsay, and ours too – we’ve been rather enjoying reading about Britney’s downfall in the Metro newspaper every morning, and sadly there’s just not enough space for you anymore. Stop sobbing, and take a look below.
1.) Panasonic’s Sleep Assist System – I’m willing to bet you’re struggling to fall asleep these days, the lack of tequila and sleeping pills means you’re probably lying awake, on your back, for hours each night counting sleep. Thank goodness Panasonic has created a bed with your sober body in mind, featuring a massage function, gadgets that turn lights on and off, air-con to cool your cold sweats off when you dream of triple sambucca shots, and other bits and bobs to help you drift off to sleep.
2.) Crown7 electronic cigarette – I haven’t heard whether you’ve given up smoking since being in rehab, as, well, I have better things to do with my time than trawl Perez Hilton. Like read I Can Has Cheezburger. Even if you have given up the cancer sticks, you’ll still be experiencing withdrawal symptoms – you know, cold sweats, left leg twitching, eyeballs bulging. Instead of smoking Marlboro Lights, try an electronic cigarette, which gives off an harmless smoke vapour, and a little hit of nicotine your body may well be craving.
3.) HydraCoach water bottle – It’s very important to keep your bodily fluids up Lindsay, and don’t try arguing you can do that with straight Grey Goose, it doesn’t work that way unfortunately. Luckily for you, HydraCoach can offer you an intelligent water bottle which optimises your water intake to around 72 ounches daily, with the integrated LED display displaying your hydration goal using Generated Electronic Pulse technology – I’ve probably lost you, right? It comes in pretty colours, did that get your attention back?
4.) The POWERbreathe Inspiratory Muscle Trainers – they’re described as ‘dumbells for your diaphragm’, and look! They come in pink! I can hear you ordering your frazzled assistant to buy you five, all the way from England. They’re designed to ‘restore breathing power’, as by blowing into the tube and pushing on the spring-loaded valve, your muscles get a huge workout. Ok, probably not as much of a workout as crouching over a toilet bowl in The Ivy’s bathrooms, throwing up your bruschetta, but it’ll be far more socially acceptable amongst your new-found sober friends. And it’s pink!
5.) Sportline ThinQ Pedometer – this 3mm-thin pedometer can be tucked into your wallet between your gold AMEX and Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step card, and counts distance, steps and calories burned as you go about your daily shopping-on-Rodeo-Drive errands. Available in orange, blue and green, you can ensure it’ll match your toe nail polish every day. Don’t ask whether they make a pink one to match your pipe, have you listened to anything I’ve just said?!
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