Nobody "won" E3 this year

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gary%20and%20sonic%20200.JPGGary Cutlack writes…

Each year, a billion angry teenagers divide themselves into three groups, then start arguing on the internet over which console format had the best showing at trade show E3. That’s why the web was going a bit slow last week.

Sadly for them, and for the E3 show itself, nobody won E3 this year. It was anti-climax after anti-climax, with the same old games shown by the same old people for the same old consoles.

It was a three-way Mexican standoff between Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo – and everyone pulled the trigger.

There’s bits of brain everywhere.

Microsoft revealed a price stay-the-same, while Sony announced the world’s most confusing price tweak and told us once again that, yes, Gran Turismo 5 and Metal Gear Solid 4 will come out in an unspecified number of months in the future.

It also displayed Littlebigplanet again, a game seemingly designed specifically to appeal to men on the internet who like “kooky” games. Men who want to like “kooky” games as that makes them “kooky” too.

It may well look all weird and clever, but games like Littlebigplanet usually go on to sell about 100 copies around the world. PlayStation owners want to drive cars into other cars, not stroke cute teddy bears with lazy eyes.

Sony also announced the PSP would be a bit smaller in future, but would, reassuringly, look exactly the same and do the same things in the same way. Exciting news. Almost as exciting as the news that I’ve just used the last tea bag so can exclusively reveal I’ll probably be going to Sainsburys at about 8.30pm tonight.

Microsoft at least had Halo 3 for the fan-teens to get excited about, and this time it managed to show off some single-player footage.

At least the first half of the trailer was single-player footage. I closed the window out of desperate boredom after 30 seconds. Thank god Halo’s only a trilogy. Has there ever been a more boring game than Halo?

No. There hasn’t. Don’t even bother arguing or thinking about that one. Everyone on the internet is wrong about Halo. Playing Halo makes me want to give up video games and start doing charity work in my spare time. I could be working at the local needle exchange. Surely there’s more to life than steering a boring man through corridors all day?

Microsoft also revealed the Halo 3 Xbox 360, a console aimed squarely at people who already own Xbox 360s. We can only assume Microsoft had something good drop from its show schedule at the last minute, so hurriedly spray painted this together backstage.

Meanwhile, over in the secure wing for the terminally mental, bonkers Nintendo continued to court women gamers by announcing a set of bathroom scales and an exercise game called Wii Fit.

Nobody saw that coming. Nobody wanted it to come, either.

With Nintendo acting like the drunk, eccentric aunt who’s stopped caring what anyone thinks or even if anyone’s looking, and Sony and Microsoft trying to out-bore each other with press releases about nothing, E3 2007 will go down as the worst E3 in history.

Unless you want to yoga-cise with Nintendo.

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Gary Cutlack

4 comments

  • Killzone 2 = 2007 graphics, 1990 A.I going by the demo footage. The amount of times I’ve heard/read developers say, ‘smart, flanking A.I that reacts to your movements’ then been able to barrel through a game with no evidence that was even slightly the case. If Steve ‘UT’ Polge can get it right, why can’t everyone else?

  • How in the world can you call yourself a journalist. I know that not every one loves halo, but come on atleast have respect for the awesome game it is that can keep millions of people playing for billions of hours on xbox live not to mention the possibly billions of hours it is played offline. You can go to any respected gaming magazine, show, or website and while halo might not get perfect scores it gets rated really well. From my experiance the only people that say halo sucks is people who suck at halo, and about the comment that halo is the most boring game ever pick up a fairly recent EGM magazine (Febuary-June) and look in the back for Sean Baby’s page and then tell me that you would rather play “barbie race ‘n ride” or “that’s so raven” than Halo. That will also have the effect of showing you how to be more descriptive than just using “most boring game ever”.

    Second of all Sony won E3. Sony showed us that it was working to make up for its mistakes and that they were not incompetent moron despite all the bad publicity it was getting. They also showed that they were not lying when they said that Killzone 2 would look like it did in the infamous trailer two years ago. They showed that games were coming out for it if quite not so soon, and that the PS3 was more than a paperwait. They also cut the price by $100 which I am having trouble trying to figure out why you were confused about it.

  • Ah, someone took the bait on Halo. Looking at the trailer it just looks like a combination of the previous two games (I’m willing to bet money that the Flood will make an apperance yet again). Could this be the gaming equivalent of Shrek 3?
    Maybe all the fun is in the multiplayer but I can’t be bothered to join Xbox live.
    Still, COD4 – bring it on.

  • Yeah, they all sucked at E3. At least MS had games that were actually coming out this year. I dont consider anything that Nintendo is doing gaming. Freakin sell-outs. Ill buy a PS3 two years from now when their games finally get released. Until then I’ll be playing that boring game Halo. People just loose all their credit as journalists when they make ridiculous comments like that. Keep playing with your sonic doll Gary. Your writing should be Cut because it Lacks substance.

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