The boys in the know at Hecklerspray are putting some nice money on the table in the hopes Jade Goody will be re-entering the Big Brother house (for the third time) next week when the eight installment desecrates our television sets. It’s got us thinking about what you’d need to smuggle into the house with you in order to survive the relentless mouthing-off from Goody’s “immense pikey gob”, as Hecklerspray calls it.
5.) FlashMic digital recording microphone – News concerning the alleged racial slurs from the last Celebrity Big Brother has just emerged over the last couple of days, and it seems if you’re going to be spending time with Jade Goody, you better have a ruddy good mic on you to pick up any foo-fah-ing she will inevitably do. This digital mic has 1GB of flash memory and a USB interface, meaning you can upload it to your notebook faster than you can utter one of Goody’s now-infamous limericks.
4.) Spy-camera concealed in a soft-drink can – There’s just one room the cameras aren’t allowed to film in, and that’s the loo. Now, I’m not suggesting you film the ins-and-outs (literally, eugh) of the going-ons in the toilet for your own personal use, but I’m sure you could make a healthy profit flogging footage of Jade on the loo to the News of the World and kin.
3.) Nokia N95 mobile phone – There’s nothing you can’t do on this mobile really, except for cooking a bacon sandwich on. I’m sure Nokia will have that sussed by the next model though. With its mini-USB you can upload the recordings you make on the FlashMic (better take a USB-mini USB converter with you too), and through surfing the net by using one of the numerous internet connections it employs, you’ll be transferring hi-res images of Jade picking her nose in no time.
2.) Sennheiser’s NoiseGard PXC 450 headphones – The best noise-cancelling can headphones on the market, nothing will block out the droll sound of Jade Goody’s voice more so than these. Pricey at £299.99, these are one of the few pairs of ‘phones which continue working even after the batteries run down – albeit without the noise-cancelling feature. Definitely worth the added expense when you walk out the house three months later, (with a wad of cash in your pocket), having been the only one to survive the ‘blessing’ of Goody’s companionship, thanks to these babies.
1.) Sony PSP – If I were to suggest smuggling a game console/portable into the Big Brother house, I’d say anything but the PSP. Needless to say, this PSP isn’t for you, it’s for distracting Jade long enough to get a few hours decent nap here and there. She would be the epitome of a PSP user, the ultimate pikey chav with a gob the size of Essex on her, so I’m sure she’d love nothing more than playing rehashed Fifa games non-stop. If she’s intelligent enough to figure out how to put a UMD disc in, natch…