Utterly pointless, totally useless 'Cybertek Wings'… yours for $1,000!

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Very rarely am I stumped for an opinion on a product, but this little baby has got me stumped like a pirate with two wooden legs.

Maybe i should just start by describing the thing: They’re wings that are made of metal that you can wear. They are called: Cybertek Wings. And what you do with them… well, that’s where i’m stumped.

As far as i can work out, you simply strap them to your back and press a little switch and – ‘phwoom’ – out pop the robo-wings. Ta-da! Brilliant. There you are, standing in your living room, pleased as punch, with your Cybertek Wings all stretched out in the breeze. Glorious… but now what? They won’t make you fly. They won’t let you glide. They don’t.. do.. anything. Well, except go ‘phwoom’ at the touch of a button, and even then it only goes ‘phwoom’ seven times. After that, you have to take them off and build the air pressure back up before resuming your ‘phwoom’ing.

So what to do with them… Well, for one, you can switch on the feather-inspired LED lights at the tips of the wings.. ‘Woo! Glowing wings!’.. But more than likely, and what I think what you’ll do, is you’ll bite your fist, and shout, “What have i done?!” before rushing to the nearest Cybertek branch to see if you can get your money back. Because, to be even wearing the Cybertek Wings in the first place, you’ll have convinced yourself hard enough to have shelled out an incredible sum of $1000 (£535.67) of your hard earned (real-life) money.

I mean, okay, maybe i’m being too harsh.. I understand that they do look good. Funky, maybe. Sexy, even. But our only barometer for that is the model they’ve selected to show them off, and granted they do look good, funky and sexy on her, but how good, and funky, and sexy are they gonna look on anyone else? Take Jade Goody, for example..? Possibly like the broken remains of a road-kill blackbird tied to the wobbling form of a gelatinous pink blamanche. Because, it’s like i always say every morning as my wife brings me breakfast in bed, “Looks aren’t everything – it’s usefulness that counts.”

And it’s that very sound piece of advice that means I can (with clarity of mind) quite accurately say that the Cybertek Wings are rubbish.

[via LikeCool.com]

Related posts: Jet Wings | ‘Bigelow’ Wings

Ryan Weir

3 comments

  • Yeah, Artifice sucks. If you think those are ridiculous, look at their Cyebertek Gauntlets. For $1,150, you can get a hand that was made with $50 of junk pipe fittings and random crap from Home Depot! I’m just making my own, for like, 1 twentieth of the price? And mine won’t look like I’m wearing an erector set.

  • Yeah, Artifice sucks. If you think those are ridiculous, look at their Cyebertek Gauntlets. For $1,150, you can get a hand that was made with $50 of junk pipe fittings and random crap from Home Depot! I’m just making my own, for like, 1 twentieth of the price? And mine won’t look like I’m wearing an erector set.

  • But…but…pointlessness is the whole point of technology.

    A big ‘phwoom’ is good for the heart

    Plus, if you’re wearing them, it doesn’t matter what you look like, you can’t see, you can just imagine you’re supercool. Then take them off, fix yourself a Pot Noodle and weep into the night.

    Cybertek sounds like the baddies in a sci-fi film too

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