According to some scientist, humans have stopped evolving. This means we’re not going to get any better – at least not naturally.
So I propose science steps in to make us better, seeing as Mother Nature can’t be bothered any more. Here’s how. These are the evolutionary steps scientists need to introduce to our gene pool ASAP.
1. SIDE EYES Seeing as our ears are always in use listening to MP3s of 1980s cover versions, it’s hard to hear cars, bicycles and lorries coming toward you. I therefore suggest moving our eyes to the sides of our heads, like horses, so we’re less likely to step out in front of buses because we can’t hear them coming. You never hear about horses getting run over because they’re too busy listening to the new Oasis album to listen out for cars, do you?
2. WIDER EAR CANALS Dunno about you, but my ear holes are never big enough to accommodate all these so-called “in ear” earphones. You know, the ones you’re supposed to ram right in. I ram them in so hard it hurts and my brain pops, yet they still fall out after three minutes when the cable snags on my shirt. I therefore suggest scientists develop wider ear holes for better audio clarity and comfort “on the go.”
3. CONDUCTIVE FINGERS Wouldn’t it be handy if you could put one finger in a plug socket, then another finger in your MP3 player or mobile phone to charge it up? It would save having to worry about chargers and would be an environmentally sound solution.
4. CAFFEINE GLANDS Seeing as we’re all so hooked on coffee, how about those scientists do something useful for a change and give us caffeine glands? That way, whenever we have something to do in a hurry – some work, an important phone call – our caffeine glands can inject a quick boost of happiness and confidence into our systems.
5. FLESH POCKETS We need more pouches on our bodies. Imagine a “flesh pocket” that’s able to grip like a hand. It could hold loose change, expensive MP3 players and all sorts safely within its muscular grip. I’d put one flesh pocket on the chest for phones and music players, plus another on the thigh for change and USB keys.
6. SELF-ERECTING HAIR Our hair needs to have stronger muscles at the base, so we can all achieve that “just got out of bed” look popularised in Apple commercials without having to spend so much money on sticky waxes and products.
7. CLOSABLE EARS Our ears need “earlids” so we can shut out the sounds of whatever rubbish music other idiots are listening to. The existing ear should be very easy to adapt. Earlids could be standard among babies born from 2015 if these scientists get their acts together.
8. AN FM TUNER Everything’s got an FM tuner in it these days. Why should we miss out?
9. CAR CIGARETTE LIGHTER BELLY BUTTON For charging gadgets on the go. What use is a satnav out in the wilderness if your battery dies? Dynamos in the thigh muscles could charge up batteries stored in the butt cheeks, for a limitless supply of energy.
That’s it. Get to it, scientists. I want my children to be Human 2.0 so they don’t have to suffer in marginal awkwardness like me.