Whoring out weddings is the future

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gary%20and%20sonic%20200.JPGGary Cutlack writes…

It makes perfect sense to sell out your wedding to the highest bidder.

It’s obviously going to be the worst day of your life, what with it costing £20,000 and all you get to do is spend a really long, hard day, in uncomfortable clothes, being sweaty, being told what to do all the time and talking to relatives you don’t like.

Saving £500 by getting Mr Kipling to do the cake makes perfect sense.

I’d get the (poor, unfortunate) wife’s hair done up by Studio Lines and they could take before and after photos to use in local press advertising campaigns. I would happily sew a badge onto my suit proclaiming my alleigance to L’Oreal Studio Line FX Out of Bed Hair Putty, in return for featuring the logo prominently in all the wedding photos.

After all, the photos will no doubt end up on Flickr, where thousands of people could potentially look at them, wonder how I get my hair to look so limp and flyaway, then see the logo and know which brand I endorse to get that thinning look just right.

If Iceland wanted to provide the buffet for the reception in exchange for, say, a few photos of Mrs Cutlack happily dunking an Iceland Spring Roll in some Iceland Thai Sauce like it’s the finest moment of the entire day and the memory she’ll treasure above all, that would be absolutely fine.

Interflora could do the flowers, as long as they get some models in to hold them so it looks like I have lots of attractive friends. With all these prudent measures in place, a wedding needn’t cost more than 20 quid for a taxi to the airport.

Must send a copy of this column to Stelios. EasyWedding would be a great idea. The bride would look beautiful in one of the fleet of orange dresses.

Gary Cutlack