PARENT ALERT: almost none of your kids are looking at web pr0n


disturbingly_pleased_kid_computer.jpgA new survey by The Carphone Warehouse has found that children as old as 18 are avoiding pornographic websites and even less are having sexually explicit conversations. The study, conducted in part by Dr Tanya Byron, the very embodiment of Psychology 2.0, also found that children even lie about what they are doing and that parents have ALMOST NO IDEA AT ALL.

The Mobile Life survey polled 6,000 parents and children aged 11 – 18 (round where I live, half of them could have been parents themselves), and found that only a quarter had visited pornographic websites. Clearly this marks a major crisis for the adult entertainment and pop-up industry. If you can’t even lure in a perfectly legitimate 18 year-old or a decent percentage of hormone-crazed 17 year-olds, then there’s clearly something very wrong with your business model and with society in general. Hell, even ringtones are doing a better job than that.

A third of kids said they would be in trouble if their parents knew what they really looking at. And believe me, there’ll be hell to pay if they ever found out that their offspring were looking at that McFly MySpace page. That is not bloody punk. It is SHITE. Poisonous evil pre-packed musical fecal matter spawned from Satan’s own fiery backside. Go to your room and listen to Doolittle for three hours so you don’t go blind.

The kids are safe though, harbouring their unholy music tastes and Bebo accounts; 87% parents naively believed that they were fully aware of their child’s online activities and a similar number were confident that they wouldn’t be doing that sort of thing anyway. Little do they realise that children have virtually no interest in the plentiful, debasing fruits of the information age, and that they are actually spending considerably more time plagiarising their homework from Wikipedia and shrieking homophobic abuse at rival Halo players.

“Would you let your children learn how to cross the road via trial and error?” Dr Byron asks. “No,” she answers, “You teach them the Green Cross Code. “Now, with the increasing importance of wireless technology and the role it plays in our children’s lives, we must all learn and teach the Online Safety Code,” she added. So it goes right click, left click, right click again, Save as, Properties, Left click Hidden, Apply. Now you’re surfing safe.

(via PCAdvisor)

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