Discussions to the tune of ‘zomg teh jubblies on teh Dead or Alive birds are da hax0r, w00t!’ are as commonplace on the ‘tinternet as rumours about the iPhone release date, so I’m not surprised to discover the latest top ten list of ‘the hottest game babes to date’ doing the rounds of the gaming blogs this week. Is anyone else tired of these inane lists, where every mammary-bulging heroine looks like a carbon copy of the one before her, with taut thighs glistening in sweat at every available opportunity? Whatever happened to having some nice wholesome girl-next-door type characters to idolise, that you can happily play a game featuring the vixen infront of your Dad, and not fear an embarassing pants-tent episode? Together with several other hot-blooded controller-wielding men from the Shiny game blogs, I’ve put together a list of who I think deserves to be on the Top Ten List Of Gaming Vixens who aren’t just featured for their 34-24-34 ratio and ability to knock out a vertically-challenged man with a simple quiver of the lady-lumps.
10.) Claire Redfield from Resident Evil – this sassy lass rides a motorbike, has Queen lyrics on the back of her jackets, and even had a brief stint in jail – what’s not to love about her when she oozes so much street cred? She also cares deeply for her brother, going on endless quests to find him in Resident Evil 2.
9.) Yorda from Ico – Ico’s love interest, Yorda is imprisoned by her nasty old mother in a castle, the modern day Rapunzel. She manages to help Ico escape from the castle by opening doors he cannot, and thus wins the protagonist’s heart and ours. As Al from PSPSPS explained, “she takes pity on the freaky horned boy – so perhaps, subconsciously, we nerds like the idea of some tall hot chick hanging out with us despite the fact that we’re hideously deformed and ostracised by society”.
8.) Princess Zelda from The Legend of Zelda series – How can we not admire the Princess when Link is willing to drop everything for her and rescue her in every incarnation of the Zelda franchise? With magical powers and ethereal looks, she’s elegance and modesty in every sense of the word. Plus she has a hot pair of ears!
7.) Kreia from Knights Of The Old Republic II: The Sith Lords – Unfamiliar to me, this character was mentioned my 90% of the men I questioned in regards to this list. Chris from Xboxer summed it up best with ”she actually made the dark side interesting, better than that whole good vs. evil thing that they’ve got going in most of the Star Wars universe. Also nice to have a slightly nihilistic baddie. Who could control lightsabers with mind powers“. Ahh, so it’s not her atrophied eyes which makes every man fancy her then?
6.) Mia Fey from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney – Fey in name, fey in nature, as whilst this smoking hot lawyer died in the second game, she still aided Phoenix with his cases from the grave. Reliable and trusting, she was the best mentor Phoenix could’ve hoped for – Ally McBeal who!?
5.) Yuna from Final Fantasy – Another gal who most men recommended, she may resemble a librarian in her first game debut (FFV), but with pins that look good (but not unrealistic, as in Dead or Alive’s case) even with a hotpants-and-side-skirt combo, added to her kind-hearted, humble spirit, it’s no wonder she’s a favourite when deciding on a cosplay outfit!
4.) Samus Aran from Metroid – Seen only in bulky cyborg garb through most of the games, it was natural to assume the bounty hunter was male, so plenty of jaws dropped when she removes her helmet and suit at the end to reveal a killer body and great hair to boot. We like her for her modesty and quietness, plus her willingness to appear in every possible Nintendo collaboration title.
3.) Jade from Beyond Good and Evil – I was tempted to place Jade an number one in the list purely because I enjoyed the game so much, but that’s not the point to this list! This street-smart reporter/journalist earns our respect for being decked head to toe in green, even sporting a peculiar shade of green lipstick that’s ever so difficult to pull off with the aplomb she manages. Her patience with that irritating uncle of hers, Pey’j, and perserverance through the challenges she faces puts her at a healthy number three.
2.) Carla Valenti from Fahrenheit – the NYPD officer is incredibly committed to her job, to the point of experiencing panic attacks. Wielding a weapon, she is a tough-talking woman who yearns for a private life, instead pouring all her waking hours into her job – the modern careerwoman.
1.) Jill Valentine from Resident Evil – Looking like a revolutionary, or perhaps the fifth member of the Manic Street Preachers in her army-garb, girls want to be her (me included), and guys want to do her. Specialising in bomb disposal, you cannot fault her in any of the games she appears in. Smart, sassy, and not afraid to kick some ass, this is the pin-up girl we should all have on our bedroom walls and lust after.
Now, are you still day-dreaming about Lara Croft’s boobies after reading through that list, eh?