I was grumbling how Time magazine have made YOU their person of the year, on account of all those user-generated content services like YouTube, Flickr and so on. But then I had a gander at the Amazon page for Katie Price (Jordan) and Peter Andre’s new album, and specifically the user reviews.
And for them alone, the general Web-using population deserves every award that Time can throw at them. Nothing you will read, watch or hear this Christmas will be as funny as ten minutes spent on the page for ‘A Whole New World’. I promise. Read on for ten of the best user reviews.
1. “What a wonderful experience. It reminded me of that time I was walking along a running stream in a wooded glade when I spotted the water turning a pale shade of red. This I attributed to the cherry blossom that was overhanging the water’s edge dropping into and colouring the water but upon further inspection I discovered a number of floating, disgorged sheep, guts and entrails spewing out and blood trailing along in swirls behind each carcass. I shall always treasure that moment as I shall this album.” (Sheepy Sheepy)
2. “I was born deaf. I have never heard any sound, a child laughing, the sea washing up the beach, the wind in the trees. All these sounds are alien to me and I will never know what beauty they hold. I am also completely blind. I have never seen a setting sun, a flower bloom or David Beckham. But for one brief moment last week I heard sounds and saw sights for the first time in my life. My wife bought “A Whole new World” by Peter Andre and the Jordans. The second she put it on, I was transported to a world of colour and the sounds of angels. I could see, I could hear.” (Peter Brant)
3. “Is everyone else being sarcastic. Well if they are, they should be ashamed of themselves. Honestly, this is the greatest album ever made, if not the greatest thing ever made. From the beginning to the end I wept tears of joy. The emotional journey that I embarked on was exhilerating. Never in a million years could there come a thing of equal beauty to this spellbinding album. The singing is like that of a choir of angels rejoicing in the heavens and each new song is a new adventure. Listening to this CD has made me the man I am today. It has carried me through tough times, with its deep, meaningful lyrics. God bless you Jordan. And the other guy.” (Bill Willis)
4. “Just when I thought the greatest albums in the world were performed by the likes of Iron Maiden, Trivium, Judas Priest and Metallica, I have been proved wrong. This record is perhaps the most perfect album ever created. From the opening blast of “A Whole New World” through to the majestic “Lullaby”, I sat alone, smiling and crying due to the sheer delight and perfection that this record offers. Scenes of playful puppies, tweeting birds and gambolling lambs flood into my mind, reminding me of happy times and the thoughts of those I love. Their voices soar like eagles, and the sheer non-commercialism of this album makes you feel proud to have bought it.” (D.A. Webley-Parry)
5. “If I could strap a bomb to myself and blow myself up in their name of Katie and Peter I would, oh if only they would ask me… unworthy soul that I am… yet such is my paltry devotion to them — they are the one true new direction in music to which all the greats: The Beatles, the Stones, Hendrix, Clapton, The Monkees — yes even the Monkees should recognise was where they went hopelessly wrong…” (Tanais Fox)
6. “I’ve always loved music of all types whether sparce Belgian techno or dark jungle, gabba or handbag cheese, trip-hop or progressive, uplifting Italian piano or down and grimy speed garage, drum AND base or good ol’ fashioned nosebleed, but today…. today something new, something ground breaking has literally assaulted my ears like a sonic enema, purging everything that I thought I knew about music, leaving me feeling washed out, cleansed and ready to leave behind the old me, what I used to be, leaving me ready, ready for a whole new world.” (Citygent)
7. “I literally can not stop my feet from dancing and my fingers from clicking. Every synapse in my brain has stopped firing and my emotional palette has been wiped clean. I feel that I have been afflicted with the musical version of Parkinson’s Disease and I love it. Yet, I also despair. How can I, as a loving husband, ever try to tell my wife of my love for her again when I hear Peter Andre’s sincerity oozing like pulchritudinous pustules of teenage hormones.” (The Tears Of Orpheus)
8. “Sometimes you see something that you just know that your grandma is going to love filling up her christmas stocking. Well, if she wasn’t dead that is. When I saw the faces on the cover and those names I just knew that, god rest her soul, this would be one such item. To evoke her memory I went ahead and made this purchase for donation to the local care home. The only problem is that upon hearing the dulcet tones of that first stanza I literally could not part with this album.” (Mr Ewan Tant)
9. “I have heard the phrase “voice of an angel” many times and now I can truly, hand on heart, say that I too have been blessed with this aural pleasure. I have just listened to this at work and I am frankly having difficulty writing this review, as the screen is slightly blurry due to the tears of joy I have wept. A torrent of salty rivers, which signal my approval of the talents of Katie and Peter (Or Katy and Pete as I like to call them to the pillow case and blanket set of them I sleep under each night).” (Steve Brainwashed)
10. “I first heard this album while out walking my pet crocodile and felt a sudden urge to sink to my knees and thank the Lord above that at last someone had come along to rescue me from the hell of modern music. What we have here my friends is a masterpiece, pure and simple and in the same way that Michelangelo stood back to admire the Sistine chapel I can imagine both Katie and her beloved husband Peter sat in that luxury recording studio sipping their Lambrini and fondling each other intently, their faces a picture of pure contentment as this, the epitome of melodic divinity played out over the huge Wharfedale speakers. I cried like a baby when I heard them sing Endless Love as I’m sure you will…” (Simply The Pest)