It’s hot, your boss is evil, you never got that promised pay-rise, it’s hot, your colleagues hate you, and you’re fed up with sardine-like commuting. Oh, and did I mention it’s really hot? What better time, then, to jack in your job to spend more time with your sofa, beer-fridge and television? But if you’re going to go, do it with a bang rather than a whimper, and get your ass sacked. We’ve rounded up ten gadgets that should do the job, from prankster calculators to shrieking chickens, and catapults to, er, Cyberman helmets.
1. Office Prankster calculator
Do any modern offices still use calculators? I thought people had RSS-mathematics-reader technology for that kind of thing nowadays. Or Wi-Fi abacuses. Anyway, your boss is bound to get narked if you get this gadget – it consists of a remote receiver which you hide on their desk, and a transmitter disguised as, yes, a calculator. Use it to trigger a range of sounds – wolf whistle, buzzing fly, an orgasm or, oh yes, a fart – or record your own ‘YOU CAN STICK YOUR JOB’ message. £12.99 from Gadgets.co.uk (link).
2. Beer machine
Most people keep old files, cycling helmets and discarded sandwich wrappers under their desks. They don’t get fired. On the other hand, if you buy a personal mini-micro brewery and keep that under your desk, not only can you have 28 pints of home-brew to hand whenever you want (i.e. 9.45 in the morning), but your desk will smell of "socks in cabbage water". A P45-earner if we ever saw one. £99.95 from BoysStuff (link).
3. Backwards clock
If your boss is a stickler for time, you could easily get sacked by turning up a couple of minutes late and blaming a freak dog-buttering incident. Or you could do it more imaginatively, by swapping their office clock for this mirror-image model, which ticks backwards. Just to mess with their heads, like. If they get really confused, they’ll let the office go home early. Or just you (and never let you come back). £9.99 from I Want One Of Those (link).
4. Any old webcam
Note, this only works if you’re Leslie Grantham.
5. Cyberman voice changer helmet
Because nothing makes a sales meeting go with a swing more than some idiot in the corner constantly interrupting in the voice of a Cyberman out of Doctor Who. You may remember this voice changer helmet from our story last week – it converts your speech to Cybertalk, although there’s also an option to spew out classic phrases like "You will be deleted" (best used every time you get rid of an email). Be warned, if your boss is a Dr Who geek, this may earn promotion and son-I-never-had status. £30 from the usual toy outlets.
6. Shrieking chicken
It’s a toss-up what will happen first if you buy this gadget – the corporate heave-ho from your boss, or the literal heave-ho-out-the-window from your colleagues. It’s a 17-inch rubber chicken (and size is important in these things) that makes "the most annoying noise in the world" when you squeeze it. I can only surmise that it sounds like Bonnie Langford doing her Crazy Frog impression to a backing of Polish death metal. Maybe. £6.95 from BoysStuff (link).
7. Cube World
Hmm, this is a strange idea – interactive LCD cubes with little virtual men ‘living’ inside them – it’s like the illegitimate Tamagotchi child of Apple and Ikea. They provide endless amusement with their capering about – there’s over 100 animations – and can even interact with each other. So why would they lose you your job, assuming you don’t have a ‘no self-conscious wackiness’ clause in your contract? Check the review on the site from Pippa in Southsea: "My boss bought me two sets of these. Bit silly really, as I haven’t done any work since." YOU’RE FIRED! £19.95 per pair from I Want One Of Those (link).
8. Wind-up Japanese tin space elephant
We featured this earlier today – it’s a vintage robo-toy from Japan that’s up for grabs on eBay for a mere $1,150. Trust me, buy this on your corporate credit-card then display it proudly on your desk, and you’ll be out of the building faster than you can say ‘Paypal refund!’. Our brother Bayraider blog has the full details.
9. Rock Beat drumsticks
You got rhythm. You got soul. You got a desk that’s demanding to be drummed on. So drum on it with these electronic drum-sticks which allow you to live out your Phil Collins fantasies (well, not the ones involving dumping your wife by fax) from the comfort of your office chair. They can switch between snare drum, tom-tom and crash cymbal at will – by your second-run through of the drum solo from Led Zep’s ‘Moby Dick’, you’ll be in the warm embrace of burly security guards. £9.95 from Firebox (link).
10. Super Slingshot catapult
Because if all else fails, a constant stream of high-speed foam projectiles will have your boss reaching for his firing… well, whatever implement bosses use for firing people. More adventurous readers might swap other objects for the foam balls – stones, mouldy fruit, atomic warheads… £4.95 from BoysStuff (link).