Steve Jobs is to take a period of medical leave from his post at Apple, citing medical concerns as his reasoning. Though the nature of his state of health has not been stated, Jobs will be handing over the majority…
Apple needs Steve! The world needs Steve! Steve Jobs says he’s a little bit sick, but technology can keep him going for longer, just like Steven Hawking.
Here’s how Steve Jobs can ensure he lives to be 100 – or more – thanks to the modern technology he loves and has helped shape, guaranteeing peace of mind for all Apple fans and the company’s panicking shareholders.
1. PORTABLE DEFIBRILLATOR
The worst case scenario can be averted. Steve needs to employ a nurse to be with him at all times, ready to pounce with the Philips HeartStart Home Defibrillator should he collapse while ordering the Coffeee of the Day from the local Starbucks. Pay her minimum wage and you’ve got 24-hour-a-day Steve reassurance for less than 20k a year.
2. BLOOD PRESSURE MONITOR
A cheap, standard high street blood pressure monitor would reassure us all of Steve’s health. An Apple engineer could add a wi-fi adaptor and have it feed data to the Apple web site, letting the world see a reassuring count of Steve’s current blood pressure in real time.
3. SHOEI X-SPIRIT CRASH HELMET
If Steve was to fall over and bump his head, the results for Apple, its shareholders and fans would be devastating. We therefore propose that Steve encases his precious brain in a Shoei X-Spirit Helmet, the finest cranium-padding money can buy. You can’t put a price on Steve’s brain stem and frontal lobe! The matte black will also match his outfits.
Hello, murder-crazed video gamers! Are you all angry from the hot, sticky weather, and ready to snap into violence at any second? Jesus, I am. I could literally pick up a baseball bat, walk out of the door and…