Apple needs Steve! The world needs Steve! Steve Jobs says he’s a little bit sick, but technology can keep him going for longer, just like Steven Hawking.
Here’s how Steve Jobs can ensure he lives to be 100 – or more – thanks to the modern technology he loves and has helped shape, guaranteeing peace of mind for all Apple fans and the company’s panicking shareholders.
1. PORTABLE DEFIBRILLATOR
The worst case scenario can be averted. Steve needs to employ a nurse to be with him at all times, ready to pounce with the Philips HeartStart Home Defibrillator should he collapse while ordering the Coffeee of the Day from the local Starbucks. Pay her minimum wage and you’ve got 24-hour-a-day Steve reassurance for less than 20k a year.
2. BLOOD PRESSURE MONITOR
A cheap, standard high street blood pressure monitor would reassure us all of Steve’s health. An Apple engineer could add a wi-fi adaptor and have it feed data to the Apple web site, letting the world see a reassuring count of Steve’s current blood pressure in real time.
3. SHOEI X-SPIRIT CRASH HELMET
If Steve was to fall over and bump his head, the results for Apple, its shareholders and fans would be devastating. We therefore propose that Steve encases his precious brain in a Shoei X-Spirit Helmet, the finest cranium-padding money can buy. You can’t put a price on Steve’s brain stem and frontal lobe! The matte black will also match his outfits.
Following Apple’s incredible share price drop caused by recent Steve Jobs health scares, it seems Apple is trying to reassure people that Steve’s A-OK and full of beans, vigour and, we might even suggest, spunk.
Originally, Apple put Steve’s visible weight loss down to a “common bug” – but the truth is, slowly, beginning to out. Thanks to Steve phoning a journalist and giving him the full facts.
“This is Steve Jobs. You think I’m an arrogant…