Noel Edmonds iPhone app


Thumbnail image for noel-edmonds.jpgFor me Noel Edmonds lost the plot sometime after the Multi-Coloured Swap Shop ended in 1982 (not that I’m suggesting for one minute he is mad of course, I know how litigious he can be). So to hear that he’s launched an iPhone app for his belief in the crazy-sounding philosophy of Cosmic Ordering is no real surprise.

Perhaps more of a surprise though is that he thinks people will pay £1.20 for it. I guess these are probably the same people who check their star signs in the newspapers and really think that one twelfth of the population act in exactly the same way and have the same experiences each day. Apparently, according to today’s Metro, Edmonds used to keep a record of his cosmic orders on ‘small scraps of paper – not the ideal way to keep a record of such an important part of one’s life.” Quite, my thoughts exactly.

Apparently the 60 year old has attributed the revitalisation of his career to his new mindset which encourages people to think positively about the goals in life. “The cosmos exists solely to help those who want to help themselves. It is an incredibly powerful force and a wonderful friend,” he said.

To find out more about Cosmic Ordering click here.

Crap Apps

iBubble Level £0.59 – A spirit level in your phone – what could be better than that? I don’t know; an actual spirit level. The spirit level is a genius invention, this is most certainly not. It’s only really any good if you calibrate it to within an inch of its life, which is such a laborious process that by the time you’ve done it, you’ll be within an inch of your life, and that shelf will still be squint and you’ll realize I should have spent a pound on a real spirit level.

Fake Calls £0.59 – An application that ‘simulates fake calls’ to give you ‘the perfect excuse to get out of an annoying conversation’. Here is my tutorial on how to do exactly the same thing without having to buy this piece of crap. So, you’re in an annoying conversation with Ian, from accounts, he’s talking about talking his love of adult pop-up books (no not adult like that, adult like subject matter) “Yeah I’ve just got this new one, it’s the Maisons of the Dordogne.” At this point take your phone out of your pocket and say the words, “Sorry I need to take this.” Then leave the room, he’ll assume it was on silent. No need for Fake Calls just good old fashioned cunning. Next week – whistling to hide guilt.

iFart £0.59 – Farts are funny! Proper funny – ones that come out of your bum. Not ones that come out of your phone. You also don’t have to pay for the ones that come out of your bum – not a penny, especially not 59 of them.

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