Thursday Top 10: Ways to sound like an expert on Apple's big announcement next week

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As you sit in the pub this weekend with your tech-savvy mates, there’s bound to be only one major topic of conversation. No, not a debate over how much Photoshop work went into those Suri Cruise photos. And no, not whether Tony Blair would survive longer as Prime Minister if he’d had himself replaced by a cyborg doppelganger in 2003. Although it’s a thought.

The hot topic this weekend will be what silicon-based rabbits Steve Jobs is going to pull out of his techy top hat next Tuesday, at an event which was announced this week, with invitations sent out to the press showing Hollywood-style floodlights and the slogan "It’s Showtime". So what’s it going to be? A movie download service for your iPod? An iPhone? A cyborg Gordon Brown?

We don’t know, but we have got ten lines that’ll make you seem like the ultimate Apple expert when you come out with them in the pub this weekend. Honest.

1. "I hear it’s a movie download service, but only Disney has signed up for it as the other studios are too greedy. It’ll be like when Apple tied up with U2: they’ll do a Mickey Mouse branded iPod, with Sleeping Beauty preloaded on it, and that Zip A Dee Doo Dah song. I read it on a really trustworthy Apple rumours website…"

2. "It’s a new iMac with a built-in TV tuner and a Tivo-like personal video recorder application, so you can record Desperate Housewives and stream it to any screen around the house. Someone posted it on a forum I read."

3. "They’re going to release a new iPod that can play proper games, not just solitaire. You’ll use the scroll-wheel to move around, and there’ll be two shoulder buttons and a vibration function. The bloke behind the counter at my local Game told me."

4. "It’s the iPhone. It’s taken them a while because they were learning about the mobile industry, but they’re finally ready to launch. It’ll cost £400, come with a magnetic touch-pad instead of a keyboard, and will be available in white, black or puce. I read it in a text message."

5. "Apple are just joking. The journalists will turn up, be given some crisps, then told there’s nothing new to reveal. It could get nasty. I heard it from my mole in Apple’s PR team."

6. "It’s not the iPhone. They’re still learning about the mobile industry, and they haven’t figured out how to get the magnetic touch-pad working without wiping the memory. And their designers can’t get the right shade of puce yet. Someone RSS-podcasted the news to my mobile via Bluetooth."

7. "They’re announcing the new Nano player, it’s as thin as a piece of paper, and you’ll be able to roll it up and carry it in your pocket. The screen? Don’t worry, it’s made of unbreakable Bacofoil, you won’t even be able to scratch it with a hunting knife. I read about it on a user-generated social blog feed."

8. "Remember how Tom Cruise got dumped by Paramount recently? Apple have signed him to an exclusive deal to make movies purely for iPods. iTunes is the only place you’ll be able to buy photos of Suri from now on, and his first full-length iFeature is coming out next year. That columnist in Variety said so."

9. "It’s a 100-inch LCD iMac. They’re taking their move into home cinema to its logical conclusion. And whenever you open up applications, the windows will appear with a cinematic soundtrack, and huge rumbles from your subwoofer. A terrorist in front of me in the supermarket queue told me after I picked up his dropped change for him."

10. "Even Apple don’t know what they’re going to announce until five minutes before the presentation. Those guys like to fly by the seat of their pants. My neighbour’s dog bumped into Steve Jobs’ therapist the other day, and he admitted it."

Stuart Dredge

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