We’re receiving unconfirmed reports that the concept of self-awareness was found dead over the weekend. It will be much missed.
There are few worse people in the world than “social media” experts. I should know – I used to be one. Whilst normal people may use Facebook and Twitter to talk to their friends or follow the news, for the social media professional it is all about “engagement”, “brands” and “campaigns”.
But what if you’re exhausted – and are #tired of #tweeting about #brands? Luckily, an… event… called “Eat Pray Tweet” is here to help you out. It’s a trip for social media wankers to Bali, where they can stay in a luxury hotel, take part in Potemkin imitations of Balinese culture and… learn how to be better at #engaging people with #brands and #campaigns on social media. It is exactly as hideous as it sounds. I’ll remind you at this point that this is 100% real.
The website explains:
“You’re here because you are interested in learning more about social media but in a soul enriching environment like hidden Bali. Or you want a week away, a holiday but you can’t justify just taking week off. Or you need to learn about Facebook and Twitter and whatnot but you really NEED a healthy kick of gentle exercise, mind expanding experiences and good food. I’ve put this together for me, and hopefully it suits you too!”
“According to ancient Hindu writings “Jati was where the first Hindu priest and sacred white buffalo arrived in Bali from Java”. Since this time Jati is revered as a sacred place safe from the outside world.”
So safe and sacred is Bali now it is the perfect place for social media bullshit.
It’s essentially the perfect marriage of hippy culture and hardcore capitalism. You can relive your “Gap Yah” (when you travelled around South-East Asia to find yourself…) but this time you can #monetize your #brand in the process.
The days will be split between doing the sorts of activities that someone who would say “I’m not very religious… but I am spiritual” might do and seminars on metrics and measurement. Once you’re at one with nature, be sure to Instagram a photo to show just how well calibrated your chakra is, I guess.
There’s a page on the website that starts by describing the “pray” component:
“Welcome to the spiritual you, Bali is renowned for it’s culture where the vibrations of the physical & spiritual are in sync.”
…before awkwardly jarring and lapsing back into social media witchcraft:
“The biggest issue facing social media is time and resources. Whereas Bought Attention takes money, Earned Attention requires content, time and human resources.”
Here’s a video the people behind it have produced to explain more:
It’s enough to make you want to give up on social media forever and go and live on an island. If only that island wasn’t full of people learning how to use Facebook.
Oh… and how much will it set you back? Prices start from as little as $5500 and places are limited to “about a dozen”… so don’t all rush at once.