Top five crap Valentine’s Day colourways/products to get your loved loathed one tomorrow

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This happens but once a year, where companies feel compelled to spray-paint their products an embarrassing shade of red or pink in the hopes some daft fool will be forced to buy it at 5.42pm on the 14th of February, because Godiva and Charbonnel et Walker have run out of chocolates.

Here’s my top five pick of what not to buy someone for Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Not a single one. No-one. Just don’t do it. Get them some tins of Green Giant niblets instead.

1.) Sony VAIO CR notebook – an expensive present for your loved one, this red-painted laptop will set you back $1,000, however you can be safe in the knowledge your partner will slap you for insulting him/her with a red matching cover and heart-shaped key chain. What? You think they actually like Sony VAIOs?!….

Microsoft and sex expert Tracey Cox's top tips for hot webcamming action this V-day

Microsoft and sex/love expert Tracey Cox have teamed up to express their worry over those indulging in a spot of internet dating whilst webcamming this Valentine’s Day – use protection, they cry!

To support the launch of Microsoft’s new range of webcams – the VX-7000, VX-6000, NX-6000 and NX-3000 – Tracey and her heaving bosoms want you to know that you should always…

Check what’s in view

People will make assumptions about you simply by looking at the things you own, so make sure everything in view sends the signals you want to send. If you’re keen to promote a certain image – like be seen as intelligence, for instance, make sure a pile of books are in view. If you want to be seen as artistic, put a painting directly behind you.

Along with…