Star Trek Command Chair – Get your little clipboard and come sit on my lap, Uhura

No one understands your needs like Diamond Select Toys understands your needs – which is why the sci-fi toy and replica company has started making some of these. For you. For you to sit on and dream. For us all to sit on and dream. A realistic Star Trek Command Chair.

Based on the original Kirk-housing 1960s Trek captain’s chair, the new model makes sounds. The correct sounds. It even has lights and sampled dialogue. All you need to provide for 100% Trek authenticity is a ruffled quiff, slightly torn uniform and your girlfriend covered in green paint.

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The realistically-proportioned Command Chair will go on sale in 2009. You might want to email the…

Get closer to the stars with William Shatner's new Video Autograph company

It seems the bloke from the All-Bran Bran Flakes adverts is doing really well for himself. William Shatner, an actor famous for introducing the Kellogg's 'Yoghurty' cereal to unsuspecting members of the British public, was so inundated by requests for his autograph from eager breakfast-food fans that he has set up a company offering them a multimedia autograph experience as an alternative to boring 'pen on paper' autographs.

Shatner, also a sci-fi actor from the television series 'Star Trek' (whatever that is), has established a company called 'Live Autographs' with some non-famous business partners to offer a radical new twist to the celebrity name-scribble market: Notably, personalised video recordings filmed by the star of your choice to a request of your choice.

The idea is simple enough: You get a celebrity's face and voice recording whatever you want them to say. Want Shat' to sing you Happy Birthday whilst crossing his eyes and flapping his wig? Done. Want Carmen Electra to tell you her favourite Star Trek episode whilst crossing her eyes and flapping her … eyelashes? No problem. And how much is it gonna set you back? Just $149. Bargainus.

Speedo's Aquabeat waterproof MP3 player – good for up to three metres down

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Here’s something to keep Michael Phelps entertained while he waits for those other losers to finish – a waterproof MP3 player.

Phelps could lie back, lift up his size 28 feet and listen to the American National Anthem on his stylish Aquabeat, while he politely waits for for silver and bronze to splash their way slowly toward him.

The Speedo player beats other so-called waterproof devices by being fully submersible up to a depth of three meters…

Apple reveals 'Steve Jobs Air'

The new streamlined Steve Jobs Air comes in the smart casual denin jeans and sleek dark top we’ve come to know and love, but now – thanks to a rigorous low-carb diet – Apple’s new Steve Jobs Air weighs in around 15 pounds lighter!

Pictured below – the original bulky Steve Jobs 1.0 (left) and the slimmer Steve Jobs Air:

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Sadly, this means the new Steve Jobs Air is incompatible with previous Steve Jobs version 1.0 accessories…

Scarlett Johansson's album "Anywhere I Lay My Head" up for sampling on Napster

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Yes, really. This is not a May 12 Fools joke.

Everyone’s favourite large-chested, pasty-faced art house actress has only gone and done an album of songs. She’s called it “Anywhere I Lay My Head” – an invitation to lewd comments if ever there was – and you can listen to bits of it RIGHT NOW on Napster.

Subscribers to whatever service it is Napster’s running these days can stream…

Ricky Martin's music infiltrates Micro Memory Kit from Kingston Technology

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Kingston Technology are probably not in it for love, but they’ve announced the release of a special edition “Black and White” Mobile Memory Kit, featuring a 1GB microSD card preloaded with a selection of Ricky Martin music, video and mobile phone wallpapers, plus a USB reader.

I don’t care what you say — celebrity endorsed technology products are far more exciting that bog standard gadgetry…