Gary Cutlack writes…
Each year, a billion angry teenagers divide themselves into three groups, then start arguing on the internet over which console format had the best showing at trade show E3. That’s why the web was going a bit slow last week.
Sadly for them, and for the E3 show itself, nobody won E3 this year. It was anti-climax after anti-climax, with the same old games shown by the same old people for the same old consoles.
It was a three-way Mexican standoff between Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo – and everyone pulled the trigger.
There’s bits of brain everywhere.
Microsoft revealed a price stay-the-same, while Sony announced the world’s most confusing price tweak and told us once again that, yes, Gran Turismo 5 and Metal Gear Solid 4 will come out in an unspecified number of months in the future.
It also displayed Littlebigplanet again, a game seemingly designed specifically to appeal to men on the internet who like “kooky” games. Men who want to like “kooky” games as that makes them “kooky” too.
It may well look all weird and clever, but games like Littlebigplanet usually go on to sell about 100 copies around the world. PlayStation owners want to drive cars into other cars, not stroke cute teddy bears with lazy eyes.
Sony also announced the PSP would be a bit smaller in future, but would, reassuringly, look exactly the same and do the same things in the same way. Exciting news. Almost as exciting as the news that I’ve just used the last tea bag so can exclusively reveal I’ll probably be going to Sainsburys at about 8.30pm tonight.
Microsoft at least had Halo 3 for the fan-teens to get excited about, and this time it managed to show off some single-player footage.
At least the first half of the trailer was single-player footage. I closed the window out of desperate boredom after 30 seconds. Thank god Halo’s only a trilogy. Has there ever been a more boring game than Halo?
No. There hasn’t. Don’t even bother arguing or thinking about that one. Everyone on the internet is wrong about Halo. Playing Halo makes me want to give up video games and start doing charity work in my spare time. I could be working at the local needle exchange. Surely there’s more to life than steering a boring man through corridors all day?
Microsoft also revealed the Halo 3 Xbox 360, a console aimed squarely at people who already own Xbox 360s. We can only assume Microsoft had something good drop from its show schedule at the last minute, so hurriedly spray painted this together backstage.
Meanwhile, over in the secure wing for the terminally mental, bonkers Nintendo continued to court women gamers by announcing a set of bathroom scales and an exercise game called Wii Fit.
Nobody saw that coming. Nobody wanted it to come, either.
With Nintendo acting like the drunk, eccentric aunt who’s stopped caring what anyone thinks or even if anyone’s looking, and Sony and Microsoft trying to out-bore each other with press releases about nothing, E3 2007 will go down as the worst E3 in history.
Unless you want to yoga-cise with Nintendo.