You’re a modern kind of person. You know your tech. You have a detailed online persona. You surf the Web 2.0 zeitgeisty wave of innovation. And stuff. So what to do if someone really pisses you off? Give them the Web 2.0 brush-off, of course. Here’s how.
1. Scrub them from your MySpace friends list. For added ouch points, replace them in your Top 10 with The Cheeky Girls. Note: if you’re Lembit Opik, you’ve just done this in the real world. You strange man.
2. Gather a group of friends in Second Life and stand around their avatar laughing at their clothes, hair and jerky walking movements. Yes, you have jerky walking movements too. But you have backup.
3. Report them to Razorlight’s lawyers for that blurry camphone clip they uploaded of Johnny Borrell at the Brixton Academy singing America. They’ll be in court over a barrel before you know it. This kind of irresponsible piracy is Killing Music. As are Razorlight, but we’ll gloss over that for now.
4. Give them a dreadful reference on LinkedIn. Nobody wants to employ someone with a chequered record of embezzlement, untruthfulness, and goat-slaughtering. Well, nobody outside the tabloid newspapers, anyway.
5. Delete them from your blogroll. Then blog about why you did it. At length. That’ll show ’em.
6. Refuse to give them millions of pounds worth of VC funding for their new website idea. Note, this works best if a.) you’re a VC with millions of pounds to give, and b.) they have a new website idea. It’s not quite as satisfying otherwise.
7. Report them as Spam in Gmail. Then make a point of reading all those viagra emails while leaving theirs to fester in your Spam folder.
8. Post comments on their Flickr photos using only the words that used to be printed on stickers slapped onto your holiday pics when they came back from being developed – THIS PHOTO IS OUT OF FOCUS etc. Kids, if this doesn’t make sense, ask your Dad how photography used to work.
9. Digg down everything they’ve ever posted on Digg. If they haven’t posted anything ever, teach them how Digg works. Then Digg everything down. Sometimes you have to think laterally.
10. That cameraphone video clip you took of them in the pub, naked, crying and trying to dance to the Crazy Frog song? Post it on YouTube. Put stills on Flickr. Blog about both of those links. Then Digg it. Post a link in their LinkedIn reference. And then tell Razorlight. You’re a genius.